Getting Real and Stepping Back for a Moment

I've been having a lot of body image issues since arriving in Indonesia. It's been living deeply in my mind and soul and I feel like I need to step back for a moment and write about this. From the moment I stepped off the plane I felt like I'd gained weight. It was likely water bloating, but it hasn't seemed to go away. I feel like my view of my body shaped has changed in the past two weeks and feel like I am validly seeing the size and shape I really am and not some dysmorphic eating-disordered image.

Most people in this part of the world are much shorter and thinner than I am. Surprise! Surprise! So, I kind of feel like a giant and a bit of a freak. This has been fed into by little things such as not being able to buy batik off the shelf because they don't carry my size and frequently getting stopped by someone to have my photo taken with them because I look so different than they do.

This morning I rode in a pedicab for a parade and there were two thoughts going through my head. I'm too big to share the pedicab with another rider and I hope the guy driving the pedicab isn't dying due to the weight of having to push me.

My CSC team is pretty fit, too. We have a few people who are very athletic and fit and many others who are of average to thin size. I don't feel like I fit in. There was a time when I did, but that has been years ago. This comes to mind when we go out as a group. I feel self-conscious because I have to think about where I'm sitting and if it will leave enough room for someone else. Or wonder if people are slowing down because they have to wait for me.

There are truly dozens of thoughts looping through my head most of every day taking my energy away from more important things because I am so obsessed with my body.

There are a few things for me to admit and remember. I know I am overweight and need to lose quite a few pounds; I know I could be in better shape and need to be more disciplined with working out; I know if I drank less beer and more water I would lose weight more easily. Also, I have to remind myself that some of my meds cause me to gain weight and make it difficult to lose weight; I am an overweight athlete - meaning I can do endurance sports even though I am obese.

This entire post was going to be about the struggles I am having, but then today happened and it gave me the strength and encouragement I've been needing. We went to Tawangmangu waterfall. While there we went down and back up over 2000 total steps. I was near the back of the pack, but some of this was by choice and not necessity.  Through the activity I was reminded I am an endurance athlete, I love pushing myself, I love being outside and I feel comfortable in my own skin when I get to be active. This was later confirmed when some team members commented on how happy I looked and how big my smile was as I was climbing over the rocks to get to and from the base of the waterfall. It was refreshing to hear they were thinking about how happy I looked and not how big I am.

Experiencing today has given me some new found strength and self-love that I've been missing for the last couple of weeks. I still don't plan on the nine hour hike next weekend, but I will still be happy in my own skin regardless of what I look like.

Let me add two very important thimgs: I'm having an amazing time and my new CSC family is wonderful.

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